2011 writer's block? 2012...

I am such a different person than I ever have been, at this exact moment, sitting here, waiting for it to sort itself out into that hum of expression that is always familiar.

I am almost there.

But not quite yet.

)1 March 2012.

I am still here and am looking forward to the day when I am ready to write what I have to write, again

late start

i guess this is a late start to the new year.

life seems to be never what we set out to make it

except when we sit outside in solitude with our eyes closed

then

IT exactly approaches "right".

(((Remember when you were a kid and adults seem to have all the answers??? It's funny to find out that they were ALLL just wingin' it)))

i am trying to weave the connections in the unexpected surprises.
the creation between thought and real time defines "adulthood"
while keeping the flexible curiosity of childhood alive.


sooooo funny.

Oil, Smoke and Mirrors

openings

I have little free time these days. This is hard for me to deal with because the older I become the more it becomes undeniable that every moment really counts.

I am a work horse. In any interest I have ever had, I usually immerse myself to the point of excess. My current work situation is similar to my previous years of capoeira training, where I feel as my love for it is hurting my body. My hands, wrists and fingers...owwww. I know I should be using my forearms and elbows more, but I can't feel anything that way. My fingers have become eyeballs. Weird---and very awesome.

In an interesting way of looking at this, I feel certain that this is the work I have always wanted---because the circumstance has strangely led me to be in it to the point of excess.

In the parking garage after work last evening, I was getting ready to start the car. I was feeling the bliss of sitting and of not having to use my hands after 6 hours of nonstop bodywork. I was watching the orange glow of sun on the concrete, sliced into structure by the confines of the opening. Warmth and emotional impression are so hard to explain. I wish Jordan had been there with me so I could hold his hand and touch his face.

My hands have become more skilled at translating than my mouth has ever been.

Taking a closer look

The spa where I work full time as a massage therapist is closing at the end of October.

Only in DC could luxuries thrive: people going on with their affluent lives, cushioned from the reality of crumbling American economy, within the deep government pockets filled with money.

Surprising as it was to hear of the owners shutting things down, being in the DC metro government money circle, it wasn't exactly shocking. The business people who have been blundering behind the scenes will feel the cushion slipping first.

I found another job at a more upscale place (cringe), and I work every single day now waiting for the end of October and a day off. I can't help feeling as if I'm jumping from one jagged rock to the next as the stream slowly rises. Dreams make my nights restless, a very uncommon thing for me.

I will miss this little leaf. The jagged tear releases a line of light...I stare it at periodically throughout my massages, a glowing point of focus. Captured by hot glue, someone crafty positioned it onto a lampshade in my massage room. I love my work: zen with every client. Leaf, music, muscles, skin-breath in, breathing out--- it all blends into One.

i would like to think that leaf will fall off the lampshade one day. The fiery line generating the heat to soften the glue and release it from its well-intentioned bondage.

(It isn't until you're older that you REALLY understand that good intentions aren't always enough)

I guess it's the well-intentioned capture that helps me focus the actions of my work: It unsettles me, and I free it in my mind every time.


(EDIT: mobile rough draft fleshed out)

-- Sent from my Palm Pre

past

have you stopped running away from your past and

have YOU

started creating your Future ???


just wonderin"..'cause, you know... this is


RIGHT NOW

Trendy restaurants

Cheeserific "hipness" in every corner. The skinny girl leaning into the two guys leaning away from her screeches her attentionwhore single statements ever minute or so...aaaack. Knives in my ears. This area of the US is interesting: full of "young twenties" year olds trying to continue their parents mode of success and not realizing that "the dream" has always been a lie. She continues leaning in; they continue leaning away. We came for the excellent food, but somehow, even though it was delicious, we couldn't help hurrying towards the door.

-- Sent from my Palm Pre